CONFESSION: He Groomed Me To Find Him Women

TRIGGER WARNING:

Descriptions of sexual acts, forms of manipulation and narcissistic behavior.

I think some people laugh at trigger warnings as the one above, however when you have been put through manipulation, grooming and emotional abuse, others stories can bring you back to that place. It’s a place that makes you question your sanity, and experiences and can be very hard to escape.

Though I have been very vocal about my emotionally abusive relationship, I have been fairly quiet about the grooming aspect of it. The reason for this is because I am ashamed of the things I did. I have a real hard time understanding how I could have ever put other people in danger, or sexualized people the way I did. The person who did this feels like a stranger to me – but as I have come to accept I did these things, and as I am working through the guilt, shame and hate I have towards myself because of it – I am able to shed the fear of sharing it with the world.

I HELPED HIM FIND OTHER WOMEN TO GROOM.

To be very clear, everyone involved in these stories are legal adults. 

When I met – let’s call him Dillon, I was, at the time, in a relationship where none of my needs were being met. My partner insisted he loved me but didn’t want to be my boyfriend, he would beckon me whenever he wanted but when I wanted to see him it was inconvenient, and he hated the fact I was bisexual. I was young and all of these red flags were “the compromises you make for love” – Trust me I am very aware at how stupid that sounds, but this is the vulnerability and lack of understanding I had on how to be treated . This is why I was a great target for Dillon.

When I met Dillon, I had a very fake tough exterior, but in reality I was sad and broken. I thought that if I could just find someone who would commit to me, be there for me and embrace my sexuality that I would be happy. AND DILLON COULD SMELL IT.

Dillon was 11 years older than me, and the day he met me at work, he asked me to join him at a party. My gut reaction was uncomfort – why is this much older man asking me to hang out? I declined.

He pursued me on Facebook – telling me how lovely it was to meet me, and asking me out. But I told him I had a boyfriend.

He was not happy.

He told me that women with boyfriends don’t act the way I do, and that had he thought I was cool – MANIPULATION TACTIC #1 – Make her feel uncool, so she has to prove otherwise. 

It worked. I felt like a bad person for speaking to him in the first place and so I set him up with one of my single girlfriends… at the time my thought was to rid myself of him – which is awful. NOT TO HIM – to my friend who I loved so much. IN WHAT WORLD do you set your beloved friend up with someone you makes you uncomfortable… I still hate myself for it.

They dated for a few months, and all the while he would contact me during their relationship reminding me how cool I was for setting them up…  and while complimenting me, in the same sentence he would tell me that she wasn’t “enough”. She didn’t measure up to me because she didn’t share his love for women like I did. MANIPULATION TACTIC #2 –  make her feel powerful and better than another woman. 

I never did anything with him while they were together, and I told him it was wrong, but I didn’t push back like I should have. I should have.  He knew I was longing to be seen, he knew my bisexuality was not accepted in many of my circles… he knew exactly what to say to make me feel wanted and shame for wanting it – which meant I never told my friends.

He called me one night to tell me that my friend was losing her mind because he had told her he wanted to have a threesome. He told me that they were not a good fit, and he needed someone who didn’t feel jealousy like that. Someone who had emotional maturity around jealousy and the needs of men. MANIPULATION TACTIC #3 – Setting up the precedent of expectations and what a “good partner” looks like.  I knew he was referring to me. I wanted to be all those things, and suddenly I longed for him, ignoring all the gut feelings about him to begin with. I am so ashamed for having wanted this, still to this day. 

They broke up and he continued to contact me.

I ignored him.

For 5 months I ignored his texts and calls, I focused on being a good friend to my friend and wanted to fix the damage that I had brought into her life. She ended up meeting someone and she really liked them and I felt like the whole situation was averted.

UNTIL…

All year my friends had discussed going camping, I had the gear, I was so excited. One August day I got a text from Dillon – he said: Are you on the camping trip?

I wasn’t… What camping trip? I looked and saw on Instagram that my friends had gone without me. I felt unwanted, sad, abandoned. When he found out I wasn’t there he called…and I answered.

He told he me he would never leave me out of plans, that those girls were superficial, (he should know, he dated one of em,) and that I was cooler, smarter and better than them. He invited me over and…

 I went to his house.

When I got there I made it clear I didn’t want anything to happen, because of my friend. But as we chatted, and the later it got, the more my need to be wanted grew. He heard me, he listened to my tales of woe, and he loved that I was bi – he thought it was SUPER SEXY. So when he asked if we could cuddle I said yes.

Within 5 minutes we were kissing and then it lead to sex.

He told me he understood women, he loved female orgasms and he loved how quickly he could get me there, unlike my friend who was insecure in the bedroom. He asked me about women, what I loved about them, my experience with them, and he made me feel, like for once my sexual fluidity wasn’t an issue.

“I WANT A WOMAN WHO WANTS TO HAVE GIRLFRIENDS WITH ME” he said

I was all for that. It’s kinky, it’s consensual and it’s fun. I had no issue with it as long as everyone was comfortable.

“I cannot be happy with just one woman, but doing this together will make it possible with you – though… this all sounds too good to be true.” MANIPULATION TACTIC #4 – by saying this he shows me that if I ever want any sort of monogamy I am letting him down. If I don’t want someone else in our bed, it’s over and I will have to continue to prove that it’s not too good to be true.

We found one woman two months in. I wasn’t physically into her, but since this is what we agreed on and this is what he needed, I pushed away my feelings and we did the deed. I had felt it had gone really well, her and I actually became  really great friends by the end of the night. At one point she got up to go to the washroom, and I turned with a smile and said: Babe! You happy? This is awesome. 

HE WAS PISSED. He told me that I was acting like a man, and that he finds that energy in women to be extremely unattractive. He was the man in the relationship  and I should CURB IT.  MANIPULATION TACTIC #5 – You are unattractive – change. I burst into tears and he told me not to ruin the evening and to pull myself together – so, when she came back into the room, I did. I pretended everything was okay.

But of course it wasn’t. Within four months he was feeling agitated because no one wanted do join our bedroom again. He wasn’t happy.

He blamed women for being scared and jealous of me, and that I was the reason they wouldn’t sleep with him. “They aren’t going to sleep with me because I have a girlfriend” MANIPULATION TACTIC #6 – Blame. Change.

I felt bad, I wanted him to be happy… and since jealousy broke the “too good to be true” story.  I offered to allow him to sleep with women outside of us, as long as they knew about me and we could meet. We could have an open relationship.

He was on board…sort of.

He wasn’t comfortable with me seeing others, but “You’re a woman and don’t have urges to see others like I  do, so you would be fine being monogamous…right, otherwise we would have to reassess if this relationship will work.” MANIPULATION TACTIC #7– If you don’t adhere to his wishes it’s over – so follow the rules. 

Okay – Yes… he was all I needed… can’t lose him…can’t have it be too good to be true.

So we did that.

But then, the women weren’t coming in fast enough. They didn’t want to meet his “kinky” girlfriend. It was a big ask for hetro-sexual women to want to meet his partner. So he wasn’t happy. MANIPULATION TACTIC #8 – Asking for too much. Ask for less.

I wanted him to be happy. My needs were being met… he was my boyfriend. He liked me, I was happy… I guess I could compromise. So we agreed they would know about me, but never have to meet me.

This is when he started dating an 18 year old girl. He was 18 years older than her. He convinced her to take her first nudes, which he sent me, without her consent. He tried to groom her too – make her feel bad for not meeting me, or wanting a threesome with a woman she’d never met. He acted as if it was always on my behalf that he was doing things, make me feel wanted.  I was his girlfriend. I had her nudes too – we were a team. I hate that I relished in that power. Anything to feel some sort of control in this situation.

I felt like a predator, or at least an accomplice to predatory behavior, but if I told him to stop – I was jealous. Thankfully that 18 year old girl had more spine than I did and did not take his bullshit. She left him, to my relief…

Two months later – not meeting me wasn’t enough – having a girlfriend cock blocks him. He would have to stop mentioning me in entirety… unless I was willing to find people for him. Since I was the reason for these issues.

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THE SOLUTION:

GO ON TINDER, AND SCOUT OUT WOMEN FOR HIM.

You will be surprised how many couples do this. I want to believe that in some cases that this isn’t just women trying to please their boyfriend’s fantasy. But when I think of women looking for a third, it comes down to power, and I am not sure which is worse.

In order to make him happy and to be included I had to find someone to join us. I had to befriend ladies online, or in person, IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, to save us.

I spoke to so many women. I pretended to be friends with women I met in the hopes they would want to join us. Thankfully, most of them could see  through my anxiety and desperate attempts to sway them – I am not good at manipulating people and the guilt seeps through. Maybe that was my saving grace. But there were two people who did fall for it, two people who trusted me and these two stories haunt me still.

STORY 1: NEW GIRL

I met her in a class, she was new, nervous and she came and sat beside me. She was pretty, she was nice.. and she was new to the city. She wanted to be friends. I did too, but I also could feel myself not wanting to subject her to my life, to my boyfriend.

The night I met her, Dillon asked me if there was anyone in my class that “would be good for us” 

I couldn’t lie. Yes.

He asked me to get to know her, and then ask her over when he was over to my place.  They became friends, he invited her to his house party, he told me to stay with her all night. He got her drunk… then he proposed a threesome to her… her drunk self was willing… (She was 19, 17 years younger than him)

Dillon got up to entertain guests after planting that seed and this lovely girl kissed me in front of everyone at the party and I felt so gross. He had groomed her – and I knew it. I told her she was drunk, and I couldn’t kiss her in good conscious . Thankfully she passed out on the couch, and nothing was able to happen. I am so very thankful she passed out, because though Dillon is awful, he would never put himself in a position of blame, or accusation. So rape was out of the picture and I knew that. The next morning when I woke up, she didn’t remember the evening and so I got the guts to tell her. I told her she kissed me. It made her so uncomfortable and it was enough for her to never want to see us again, and I was so thankful. But I still hate it even got to that point.

STORY 2: MY GOOD FRIEND

After 3 years,  he told me he was burdening me – that the pretense we started on was in fact to good to be true. That I was jealous and the “poly lifestyle” I said I could handle…  I couldn’t.

I felt unwanted ( a cockblock) and useless (couldn’t find women) and disgusting (a predator). I had become someone who wasn’t allowed to be myself (no masculine energy), I was consenting to be cheated on (which I know isn’t technically cheating) as he would just meet women, have sex with them and they never knew I existed.

I felt so much shame I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. At this point I was a shell of a person, I had set up my suicide twice, but never went through with it. A part of me couldn’t bare the thought of leaving this world feeling like a monster, and the fear of my story being told by him scared me more than death.

He told me I couldn’t handle him, and I felt awful for letting him down…. but he needed out…he was exhausted. So we agreed we would part ways. Part of me wanted out – but another part of me didn’t know how to live without him. For three years, I was his “bitch-finder”, I was the “cute-concubine-queen” … I was anything but me.

Upon our break up that “bitch finder” mentality was ingrained deep. I kept talking about him like he was a God – who had saved me from unhappiness. I spoke this way about him to women, and made him sound perfect. Most weren’t listening – but a good friend of mine, who had had terrible luck with men, was. I told her to go for it – I told him to go for it… and served her up to the devil.guilt-crouch

I PASSED HER ON TO HIM.

I essentially referred her to “the best relationship of her life”

Even though I knew:

– he would cheat on her, because she’s not bi.

– he would groom her to be loyal to him

– he would feel like a drug she was addicted to and couldn’t escape

– he would manipulate her into thinking his tantrums were her fault.

– he would call her awful names and make her feel worthless and yet indebted.

This referral haunts me everyday. I sent ANOTHER woman I loved into the arms of a monster. A monster who is incredibly hard to leave and lives in your head for years and years to come.

It took me years to stop seeing beautiful women and think “he’d like that” And my bisexuality feels very gross most of the time since it was used for predatory acts.

Yes – I was groomed but-

I want to take full accountability for the acts of predatory behavior I participated in.

I am sorry to the women I sexualized, and to the women I put in dangers way.  I am sorry to the LGBTQiA community for preying on bi women for his sexual fantasies. I am sorry for letting my lack of power become a power hunger… and I am sorry to my former self for not having the spine to stop it and get out before it was so bad my mental health was suffering.

Please – keep an eye out for these monsters. The groomers but also their victims who know nothing else but to prey in order to survive. We should be held accountable, despite being victims ourselves.

~Athena & Hermes ~