Speak Up. Tell Your Friend You Hate Their Significant Other.

That’s right. I said it: TELL YOUR FRIENDS IF YOU HATE THEIR PARTNER.

Alright, I may be jumping the gun a little bit – but let me explain.

We live in a world where: we tend to sugar coat things, we tend to appeal to everyone’s feelings before we speak the truth, we struggle to tell people things that may hurt. Now in many ways this can be useful, because speaking in the name of honesty as a way of being cruel is not right either – HOWEVER….

We are avoiding conversations that need to be had among our friends because we fear them.  

One of those conversations is the “I don’t like your partner” conversation. Many feel that it is not their place to judge someone’s significant other. That may very well be true when it comes to your boss, your colleagues, your teachers, etc. etc. etc. However it is important to be honest and candid when it comes to your close friends and your family (dependent on your relationship with them).

I don’t mean when it’s something superficial like the way they dress, their class, their education, or their looks. I mean when its serious things such as: the way they speak to your friend, they way they talk about their friends, they way they treat others, their outlook on life, their values.

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If you disagree with me hear me out.

I dated a man who I thought made me happy – but all of my close friends despised him.  They hated how he spoke to me, how he interrupted me, how he expected me to act a certain way around him, how he never showed his affections to me, how he would scold me, how he would often propose I leave my field of work… the list goes on and on and on.

I couldn’t see any of these things because I was “in love”. By the time it was all over, I realized I had been manipulated, brainwashed and emotionally abused. They all saw it within the first few months but they never told me how much they hated him until AFTER WE BROKE UP! 

I had all of my close friends admit to me they desperately wanted to tell me just how terrible he was to me, but were worried it would ruin our friendship.

Three of HIS friends approached me after we broke up to tell me they wanted to broach the topic, but were worried it would make it’s way back to him.

My aunt, who only met him twice, told me after it was over that she despised him upon first meeting, but didn’t want to tell me as she didn’t feel it was her business.

My exes mother even told me her son was not good enough for me and  she wished me the best in finding someone better, after it all ended.

I WISH THEY HAD TOLD ME THOUGH.

I realized I am an adult and I can make my own decisions, but had nine people told me that there was something off about my relationship, I may have slowly had the rose colored glasses fade sooner. Perhaps I could have seen what was occurring and escaped a bad situation a year sooner than I had. Naturally the choice would be in my hands, but being offered another perspective is always useful in any situation.

If you are a friend of someone who is dating or married to someone awful, you are in a very difficult position. You have to risk the friendship in speaking the truth, which is why many people avoid it.

My advice is to 1) either send them this blog and let them figure it out or 2) breach the topic from a place of love and not of blaming. Ask them questions, allow them to realize they deserve better, they are worthy of true respect and love. You can even bring up the fear of losing the friendship over this conversation and make it clear you care about them and just want to make sure they are truly happy. If your friend is truly happy your comments will not affect them. If they aren’t however, the seed you planted will grow and they will eventually see the truth.

When I was in this toxic relationship one of my closest friends asked me: “Are you happy with this arrangement?” and I said to her “… yeah I’m okay with it.” and she said: “Okay Athena, if you are then I’m happy for you. Just keep checking in and making sure it’s constantly true. If it’s not, that’s okay – just ask yourself why.”

I went home that night and cried… it wasn’t true.

The truth was that I was miserable and trapped and believed that he was the only one who would ever love me. That belief is what kept me there. It wasn’t until she asked me that question that I woke up from my trance and started to realize there was so much more past the relationship. I was capable of so much more and deserved so much more.

Three months after that conversation the seed she planted grew and I was able to dump my toxic boyfriend.

Some of you reading this may be thinking:

“MY FRIEND WON’T LISTEN THOUGH. “

They may not respond positively right away, they may not take your advice right away, they may not accept what you are saying right away… but the key words here are: RIGHT AWAY. Your words will seep into their mind, they will digest it and they will dwell on it. When it is all said and done, they will thank you for it.

If you care about your friends, SPEAK UP. 

Just remember to do it with kindness and not judgement.

(Let me be clear, if you don’t like your friends significant others for reasons that are superficial, or judgmental that have nothing to do with treatment or abusive behaviors this article is not promoting a conversation. Tune in with yourself and your thoughts on this person before you have the talk to be sure you are doing it for your friends safety and well being and not your own issues) 

~Athena and Hermes~

 

 

 

 

I Smoked Weed and Went Into Psychosis

This is not right wing propaganda.

I say this because I know how much bullshit you have read from the “righties” about how weed is bad.

Weed is not bad. For the most part, weed is a drug that helps many people. It helps them with pain, with sleep, with getting out of their head..etc etc etc. In fact, it’s been said you can’t even overdose on it … at least there aren’t studies yet to prove otherwise.

So as you read this please keep in mind – if you smoke and love it = All the power to ya. The people who I am really calling out to are those who haven’t yet smoked and are thinking of trying it.

A couple of weeks ago, I was you.

I am a goody two shoes and have spent most of my life following the straight and narrow. So when I decided I wanted to try weed, I did my reading. (I know, lame… but I wanted to know I wasn’t putting myself in harms way)

Everything I read about was great stuff! I could also tell when it was “war against drugs” propaganda and I concluded that – “YEP. I am going to have some fun and let loose. The worst that can happen is a get a little paranoid, or a eat a whole bag of chips…or five.”

Famous last words. (But I’ll get to that.)

It was the weekend, I told my boyfriend – Will you teach me how to smoke weed? I want to try.

He was perplexed and shocked, because the woman he dated up until that moment was against all substances! But after some convincing, he agreed.

He rolled a joint. We went to the balcony and smoked.

(I smoked barely a puff because I didn’t want to over do it my first time)

Nothing happened.

After about an hour, I was kinda bummed out that he was high, and I experienced nothing – my eyes weren’t even blood shot… all that for nothing?

Babe? Can we try again? 

After nearly burning off my eyebrow trying to use a bong, we rolled another joint.

I smoked it. I felt tired. Oh this is what it’s like to be high. NOOOOT BAAAAD.

 I then felt nauseous and so I curled up and went to sleep.

OR SO I THOUGHT.

I woke up the next morning and my boyfriend was being super strange. I could tell he wanted to talk to me, but didn’t know how to breach the topic. Finally we sat down and he told me what had happened.

I had indeed gone to sleep – for a total of about 30 seconds. I then bounced up, full of energy and started talking a mile a minute about how I had just entered another dimension through his shoulder. I did that on repeat about 15 times, unable to remember I had just told him that.

I then looked out the window of our apartment and on a dime switched into thinking I was in a war-torn country. He said I barely recognized him, and I was distraught and unable to recognize we were still in Canada.

By the time he got me out of my funk, I got out of bed, butt naked, exited our room and went into the bathroom where I yelled for the world to hear: I AM IN A JUNGLE!! He came into the bathroom trying to calm me down and took me back to bed where he lay me down and told me he was going to the bathroom.

He stopped telling me the story for a second and then lead me to our bedroom and pointed to one of the paintings above our bed. It’s one of those paintings that completes an image with four canvases.  He continued “ When I went to the bathroom you turned this upside down last night, claimed you didn’t, and said it was talking to you.” 

I stared at the wolf painting. It was creepy. I had spun the picture around so that the eyes of the wolf were lopsided.

I don’t remember doing thatI don’t remember any of this. 

There was more.

He said once he finally got me to calm down (I apparently went through each of these scenarios several times) he put me to bed and had to convince me it was TIME FOR BED.

Once we were in bed, and he had me secure under the blankets, I started to talk once again. This time he ignored me, he said he wanted to see what I would do if I didn’t think he was watching.

I started talking to myself. He said distinctly four different versions of myself. It was as if I was hearing the movie SPLIT  he told me.

He said I cycled through these four characters flawlessly as if they were real people. They would interrupt each other, and each time they came back they picked up where they left off. They said various things – some were lies, but some…some were real things I don’t talk about.

He looked at me, lots of love in his eyes. Babe… are you diagnosed with a personality disorder? 

I stared at him. No.  I haven’t been.

I am bi polar, and he knows that. But a personality disorder?! No… it scared me. I had no recollection of any of it, except for feeling woozy.

I, of course, then did the next thing you shouldn’t do. SEARCHED THE NET. But I was surprised that any kind of thing of this nature was being dismissed as “you didn’t smoke weed man” or “this doesn’t happen.”

Here is the thing. If you are bi polar. IT CAN.  

I spoke to my therapist about it, and weed is probably one of the worst things I could do with my bi polar. I already am extremely susceptible to high dopamine levels with my mania and a heightened version of that induced by weed can cause hallucinations, delusions and  fragmentation. THIS IS CALLED A PSYCHOTIC BREAK.

 AND NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT.

With weed becoming legal in Canada now, we need to have more discussions of weed and the affects on mental health and those with mental illness. It can be very dangerous. This is not to say that ALL those with bi polar will go through this. But it is important to talk about because many more people will start to experience this.

It is SO IMPORTANT to be in a safe space when trying it for the first time. 

I am so thankful that I was in a safe space, with someone who cared about me, who could reign me in when I was taking my clothes off – yelling about being in jungles (which was apparently the bathtub) and fearing for my life in what I thought was Afghanistan. The entire ordeal was 4 hours long. My boyfriend deserves a medal.

Yes, weed is legal. But there is very little science right now about it and how it affects everyone. We don’t know what doses different people need, we don’t know the long term effects, we don’t know all that much… so

Smoke it or don’t.

But please be safe. ❤

~Athena & Hermes~